{"id":1160882,"date":"2025-10-04T12:17:58","date_gmt":"2025-10-04T16:17:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/?p=1160882"},"modified":"2025-10-04T12:17:59","modified_gmt":"2025-10-04T16:17:59","slug":"6-relationship-lessons-i-wish-i-knew-before-wasting-decades-of-time","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/sabrina-bendory\/2025\/10\/6-relationship-lessons-i-wish-i-knew-before-wasting-decades-of-time\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Relationship Lessons I Wish I Knew Before Wasting Decades Of Time"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Sabrina Bendory is the author Detached: How To Let Go, Heal, and Become Irresistible<\/a><\/em> and You\u2019re Overthinking It<\/a><\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have been writing about relationships and giving relationship advice for over a decade now<\/a>, which is kind of surreal and makes me feel very old.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One thing I hear again and again is: I wish someone told me this sooner!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one prepares us for navigating dating and relationships. They don\u2019t include that in the high-school curriculum. It\u2019s pretty much trial and error and trying not to get too burned in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People always ask me where I get my ideas and inspiration from\u2026 and for the most part, I\u201dm writing to my younger self\u2026 fortunately, there are many many people out there who relate to her!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So here are the most life-changing pieces of relationship advice I wish I knew sooner:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Choose wisely.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Your relationship success is basically determined before you even enter into the relationship. It starts with who you choose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I used to be the classic stereotype of the girl who only wants the guys she can\u2019t have<\/a> and is turned off by those desperately in love with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And time and time again I was left utterly baffled as to why things never worked out for me. Why did they never want me like I wanted them? Why did it never get past a certain point? Why did I always feel so powerless in my relationships?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh right, I\u2019m only going after emotionally unavailable<\/a> guys who are incapable of giving more than measly scraps, and I\u2019m taking those scraps and seeing them through rose-colored glasses and exaggerating the bare minimum effort and turning it into some grand romantic gesture thus deluding myself into believing the relationship is more significant than it is, and then I\u2019m left shattered when the inevitable happens even though the writing was on the wall in bright red ink the entire time! Silly me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But seriously, choice is everything. You can\u2019t choose a loser and expect him to transform into a winner. Yes, you might be the most amazing woman he has ever been privileged to know, but it will not be enough to save him or change him or fix him or whatever it is you hope to achieve here. You have to see a situation for what it is and focus only on the truth about who he is \u2026 and not on how sexy he is or how funny he can be or how hot the sex is. Focus on what matters, and these things aren\u2019t what set the foundation for a lasting, loving relationship!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you want a serious relationship, choose a guy who wants the same thing. If you have certain values, choose a guy who shares those values. If you want to start a family in the near future, choose a guy who also wants that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Love isn\u2019t enough to conquer incompatibility and emotional baggage. You have a choice when it comes to who you want to be with, and that choice gives you power. Use it wisely!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. What are you bringing to the table?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m gonna tell you something that may be hard to hear- but you need to ask yourself what you\u2019re bringing to the table here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You want this amazing guy who is confident and has it together and is kind and smart and funny and 6\u20194 with a thick head of hair, but what are you offering him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like attracts like- if you are insecure and emotionally unavailable, that is what you attract. But wait a minute, I\u2019m not emotionally unavailable, I want a relationship more than anything!<\/em> Well, if you\u2019re insecure and using a relationship to fill a void, then you are unavailable because that behavior is coming from a place of deep down fearing you\u2019re not good enough, and the subconscious mind is always looking to prove itself right so you will be drawn to people who treat you like you’re not enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you want that amazing, emotionally healthy partner, you need to be on the same wavelength. Focus more on turning yourself into what it us you want… rather than outsourcing the job and thinking you’ll become who you want to be when you meet the right person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Stressing ruins relationships.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Another thing I find myself saying over and over again when presented with a relationship problem is: stop stressing<\/a>!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seriously, why do we do this to ourselves?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re so worried about the relationship that we can\u2019t be in<\/em> the relationship. I totally get it, though. The fears are real. What if he doesn\u2019t like me as much as I like him? What if he isn\u2019t serious about me? What if he\u2019s a liar like my ex? What if he cheats<\/a> on me? What if he finds someone better?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You think hitting certain milestones will keep the crazies away, but that doesn\u2019t work either. Maybe you think as soon as he calls you his girlfriend you\u2019ll be able to relax. Then he makes it \u201cofficial\u201d but you worry about him having second thoughts or changing his mind. Then you think you\u2019ll feel better as soon as he says \u201cI love you,\u201d and that works for a little\u2026 until he goes a few days without saying it and you wonder if he totally changed his mind. Then it\u2019s as soon as you move in together or get engaged .. there is always an as soon as and there is always a new thing to stress over. Stop all of it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It gets you nowhere. All you\u2019re doing is feeding your own insecurities and giving them more strength and power over you. Also, it doesn\u2019t feel good to be around a stressed-out person. It creates a negative vibe that\u2019s just off-putting and even the most emotionally clueless man will be able to pick up on it \u2026 and that is what will actually stop your relationship from progressing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try to relax and just be in the moment. And when you start to worry and stress, calmly and gently remind yourself that you will be OK no matter what. You can handle it. And if you can handle it and you’ll be OK… then what is there to stress over?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. You can\u2019t win them all.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This is probably the toughest lesson to learn, but so important for your sanity and self-esteem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So let\u2019s say you\u2019re seeing a guy and you fall hard and fast. He is everything you\u2019ve ever wanted, he literally checks every box. You can\u2019t help but get excited about the possibilities \u2026 but then he ends things. He just doesn\u2019t think you\u2019re right for him, he feels like something is missing, he thinks you\u2019re great but now just isn\u2019t a good time. And you are crushed beyond belief. You mentally go back in time analyzing everything about the relationship to figure out what you did wrong<\/a>. Why weren\u2019t you enough?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You are enough. You\u2019re plenty. You just weren\u2019t the right girl for him and that\u2019s OK because not everyone is a match. You make a mess for yourself when you take it personally because it really isn\u2019t personal. Just like I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve dated wonderful guys who were crazy about you and you just didn\u2019t feel the same. It’s not that they were horribly flawed, it just wasn’t right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All you can do is work on being your best self. You\u2019ll never be perfect because that\u2019s impossible, but you can work on refining who you are, on tackling your insecurities, and on healing from your old wounds and hurts. This is all you have control over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The key to inner peace is taking 100% responsibility for what’s under your control and relinquishing 100% responsibility<\/a> for what isn’t under your control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Your vibe matters more than your looks.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Yes, looks matter. No, they don\u2019t matter as much as you think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your vibe determines so much more when it comes to how people respond to you and how much success you have in your relationships. And the good news is your vibe is totally under your control!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s about managing your mood and not letting yourself be overcome by anxious thoughts and negativity. It may feel like you have no control, but that\u2019s not the case. You can control the thoughts you allow to enter your mind and your thoughts control how you feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you engage with negative thoughts, they will keep coming at you, putting you in an anxious and worried state. If you can keep those thoughts away and only allow positive thoughts to penetrate, your entire life will change, not to mention your relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the most important things to understand about men when it comes to relationships is that men move toward what feels good. When it feels good to be around you, he wants to be around you. That\u2019s really all it takes to get a man to commit and invest in you and the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. Good relationships don\u2019t always feel good.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s the thing that no one really tells you: good relationships don\u2019t always feel all that good\u2026but it\u2019s not for the same reason bad relationships don\u2019t feel good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bad relationships are the ones filled with all the drama. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. When I say \u201cbad relationship,\u201d I mean everything from a toxic<\/a>, codependent situation, to a relationship with a man who won\u2019t commit in a significant way, to a match that is simply incompatible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But in a good relationship\u2026a relationship where you\u2019re on the same page, when you aren\u2019t waiting anxiously for the next text, a relationship where wondering if he likes you just seems ridiculous because you know exactly how he feels\u2026well, those are the relationships that bring you face to face with who you truly are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes they will bring out the best in you because we all have inherent goodness within us. And sometimes they will bring out the worst in you because a lot of us have been burned or are holding on to traumas from the past that we didn\u2019t even realize were still buried within us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes there will be nothing wrong in the relationship but you will feel sad or anxious or upset. You won\u2019t be able to blame this on the fact that he didn\u2019t call or text or that you\u2019re not his girlfriend or he hasn\u2019t said \u201cI love you\u201d because he never leaves you hanging\u2026 he was proud to call you his girlfriend\u2026he adores you and you know he does. The feelings aren\u2019t coming from him, they\u2019re coming from you. If you\u2019ve been hurt in the past, this feeling of unease is your deep-seated trust issues. If you can\u2019t seem to trust that he\u2019ll be there for you, then out come the fears of abandonment.
\u200b\u200b
There\u2019s this idea that in the right relationship, everything will just be perfect. He\u2019ll be the other half of your soul, you\u2019ll reach a level of happiness you never knew existed, and you\u2019ll feel secure and comfortable and confident. A good relationship can give you these things for sure, but not on its own. It has to start from within. If you don\u2019t already feel good, if you still have issues to work through, if you have a void within, you will never fully be able to trust him, you will never truly feel \u201cgood enough.\u201d No matter how many sweet things he says or does, you will never be able to give and receive love freely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we\u2019re single<\/a>, we\u2019re often unaware of the work that needs to be done because those parts of us that are hurt and need to be healed don\u2019t get accessed. Or maybe we do know but think the right guy will make it all better. Love forces you to face yourself. Love brings up all that is unloved within us. And you can\u2019t hide who you are when you are in a good, loving relationship. Instead, you are forced to face it and deal with it. Your partner will always reflect back who you really are (and vice versa). And everything that happens will be much more emotionally significant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Love isn\u2019t meant to make you happy, it\u2019s meant to make you grow.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sabrina Bendory is the author Detached: How To Let Go, Heal, and Become Irresistible and You\u2019re Overthinking It.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":186664084,"featured_media":1160884,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"thoughtcatalog_call_to_action":"","tc_post_redirect":"","thoughtcatalog_is_sponsored_content":"0","footnotes":""},"categories":[603229912],"tags":[],"anchortext":[],"posttemplate":[],"adcampaign":[],"coauthors":[603229922],"class_list":["post-1160882","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/lifechangeluck.jpg","author_meta":null,"photo_credit":null,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1160882","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/186664084"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1160882"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1160882\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1160885,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1160882\/revisions\/1160885"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1160884"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1160882"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1160882"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1160882"},{"taxonomy":"anchortext","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/anchortext?post=1160882"},{"taxonomy":"posttemplate","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posttemplate?post=1160882"},{"taxonomy":"adcampaign","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/adcampaign?post=1160882"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=1160882"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}