I love talking about open relationships, and no one understands them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So are you some sort of hedonist?<\/em> Sometimes it can be overwhelming, because once someone finds out you\u2019re in an open relationship it\u2019s all they want to talk about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But I don\u2019t mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t mind because understanding non-monogamy has given me an insight into why we struggle so much in relationships, and I\u2019m not just talking about sex with other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In fact, saying polyamory is about sex is like saying mountain climbing is about the view. It can include sex, but if that\u2019s all you knew you would miss the whole point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I talk about open relationships I\u2019m also not talking about cheating. In a strange way, cheating actually belongs to monogamy. In a monogamous world, cheating is part of the system. It\u2019s a pressure release value. It\u2019s more normal to cheat behind someone\u2019s back than to consensually arrange being sexual with someone else besides your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What I came to understand through my experience of open relating is that multiple relationships require a completely different approach to relationships, and that\u2019s why they are worth talking about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are a few of the biggest lessons I\u2019ve learned from open relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Consider this scenario. You meet a friend for dinner and ask how his weekend was. He replies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dude! It was incredible, I went on a date with a girl Saturday night and we had an amazing time. We ate food at my favorite restaurant, went out dancing then had sex and stayed up all night together!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n How would you feel? You\u2019d be happy for him, right? He\u2019s your good friend so when he\u2019s happy, you\u2019re happy. It\u2019s simple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now consider the same thing happens, but it\u2019s on a first date. You ask your date how their weekend was and they reply:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh my god! I had an amazing weekend. I went on a date with this incredible man\/woman. We went out to eat then we went back to his\/her place and ate dessert of each other\u2019s bodies then made sweet love all night. I never thought sex could be so good.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n How would you feel?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Awkward huh? If you\u2019re like most people, you\u2019d be upset. You might choose to show it, or maybe stuff it down inside, in hopes that your date won\u2019t notice. You might even shame them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why would you tell me something like that? What\u2019s wrong with you?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a terrible way to begin a relationship, but it\u2019s what we do. We possess each other\u2019s happiness from day one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t get me wrong, I understand where that person is coming from when they say \u201cwhat\u2019s wrong with you\u201d. In my teens and twenties monogamy wasn\u2019t just the norm, it was the only option. I would have had the same reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just as an experiment, let\u2019s take a closer look at your date\u2019s response to the question \u201chow was your weekend\u201d. Here are the facts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n So what\u2019s the real reason that response makes us upset? It has to do with insecurity. We don\u2019t feel special and instead of admitting it, we choose to blame the other person and raise moral objections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If we were really honest, what we would say when setting up a date is:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019d like to take you on a date next week, and by agreeing to that you are also agreeing to not see any one else romantically from this moment forward, until the completion of our relationship as determined by me. How does that sound?<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n No one would actually say that because it sounds possessive, and for good reason\u2026 it is! Possession of our partner\u2019s happiness has become a standard practice in romantic relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We treat each other like property and call it love.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n What I\u2019m talking about when I talk about open relating is taking a closer look at how we choose to possess each other, because the current system leaves us no other choice. What if we could be a bridge to our partner\u2019s pleasure instead of a roadblock?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Wanting for your partner\u2019s happiness often brings up a lot of insecurities, so it\u2019s simple, but not easy. It takes self-awareness, support and a commitment to expansive love. It\u2019s not just a touch up job, it\u2019s a complete home renovation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s a situation most people would find bizarre.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m at a party talking to an attractive woman. We\u2019re flirting with each other and it\u2019s getting hot. Then I think to myself \u201cI would love for my wife to be here and experience this\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For most of my life, I had the opposite thought. I would hide attraction to other people at all costs, then lie about it if confronted. Why did I do this? I believed relationships had to be exclusive, meaning if I was in a relationship I had to exclude other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When my former monogamous-trained self would be put in a scenario like the one above, my habit of exclusion would kick in. In that case, I would exclude my partner, then I would go be with my partner, and exclude the girl I was flirting with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Inclusion is a choice to act from a different place. It\u2019s a choice to not buy into the conditioning that told us we should only feel sexual desire for one living being our entire life. It\u2019s a choice to include your partner in the experience of your world, even if that goes against what some people might consider \u201cnormal\u201d. It\u2019s a choice to include them even if you feel ashamed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Especially if you feel ashamed.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n When we hide our attractions to other people it\u2019s because we are ashamed, and as a result the desire gets repressed, stuffed away and given power. It\u2019s the repression that causes us to act out, not the desire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What I\u2019m talking about when I talk about open relationships is simply saying \u201cyes, it\u2019s ok to be attracted to other people, and let\u2019s talk about it\u201d. Being monogamous is a choice to not act on those feelings, it doesn\u2019t have to be a choice to repress them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I began learning about open relating several years before I practiced it, and simply being exposed to it radically changed the way I did all my relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The choice to be in an open relationship isn\u2019t about one being better or worse, it\u2019s about looking at your current situation and asking honestly if that would be a good fit. Without a community to support, open relationships are not the best fit for the majority of couples, and that\u2019s ok.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Simply having a conversation about who you\u2019re attracted to and sharing honestly and explicitly what goes on inside your head (and your body) can be incredibly liberating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you create a space of non-judgement in your relationship, you can begin to pull out the things from your closet that have been hiding in the dark for years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Watch porn together. Go to a strip club together. What I\u2019m talking about when I talk about open relationships isn\u2019t so much about relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s about being open. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Here are a few of the biggest lessons I\u2019ve learned from open relationships.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":140720592,"featured_media":1179522,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"thoughtcatalog_call_to_action":"","tc_post_redirect":"","thoughtcatalog_is_sponsored_content":"0","footnotes":""},"categories":[603229912],"tags":[],"anchortext":[],"posttemplate":[],"adcampaign":[],"coauthors":[240398383],"class_list":["post-1179520","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/2025-12-23-Distressed-Woman-Hugging-A-Man-Outdoors-Vulnerability-Toxic-1.jpg","author_meta":null,"photo_credit":null,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1179520","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/140720592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1179520"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1179520\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1179523,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1179520\/revisions\/1179523"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1179522"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1179520"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1179520"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1179520"},{"taxonomy":"anchortext","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/anchortext?post=1179520"},{"taxonomy":"posttemplate","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posttemplate?post=1179520"},{"taxonomy":"adcampaign","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/adcampaign?post=1179520"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=1179520"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
Does that mean you\u2019re not really serious?<\/em>
Why get married then?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nPossession Isn\u2019t Love<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
Being Attracted To Other People Is Normal<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Excluding Others vs Including Them<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
You Don\u2019t Have To Be Polyamorous<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Share your fantasies, especially the weird ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Go to a sex party together and just watch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n