Here\u2019s what ruins relationships more than anything else. It\u2019s not what you look like, it\u2019s not that youtexted him back too quickly or used too many emojis\u2026 it\u2019s stressing over the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Relationships are fraught with anxiety in this day and age, and it\u2019s no surprise why. In these days where \u201cghosting\u201d has become an acceptable form of breaking up (maybe not acceptable, let\u2019s go with widely practiced instead), with endless dating apps where a guy can find someone shiny and new with a few simple swipes, a time that\u2019s defined as a \u201chookup culture\u201d when fewer and fewer people are settling down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While yes, it\u2019s tough, it\u2019s not impossible. It\u2019s not the apps or the culture or the ghosting that\u2019s messing people up; it\u2019s their own self-generated fears and anxieties. That\u2019s the real problem no one really addresses. We do it to ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been writing about relationships for nearly a decade now and over and over I see women driving themselves half insane with the obsessing and the analyzing. And I fully relate to all of it because I used to be the same way!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dating is no longer fun and enjoyable, it\u2019s miserable and makes you sick with fears and doubts. The sad thing is, you cheat yourself out of the most magical part of a relationship \u2014 the beginning, the courtship, that time when all you have is the potential. Potential is a beautiful thing, reality is less fun. Like when I get ideas for amazing articles, that\u2019s fun! When I have to sit down and actually write them and make it coherent, less fun, but I digress\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s talk about how stressing screws up your love life and how to keep your relationship anxieties under control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You don\u2019t need me to tell you that stress is bad for you. We\u2019ve all heard the toll it takes on our physical appearance and emotional wellbeing. But that doesn\u2019t stop most of us from stressing, the same way putting \u201cCigarettes cause lung cancer\u201d on the front of a pack doesn\u2019t stop people from smoking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Stress puts us into a primitive state. It activates our fears, and we can\u2019t see beyond them. Stress completely overwhelms our minds, and we can\u2019t access to more evolved, rational parts of our brain. It\u2019s like a piece of paper with a black dot on it. When we\u2019re stressed, that little dot takes over the entire page, and it\u2019s all we see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Being \u201cstress-free\u201d doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re walking around like some hippy-dippy zen robot who looks like they took a few too many puffs of the good stuff. It really is just having a feeling of being OK, of realizing there isn\u2019t a problem you need to solve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is where the majority of people go wrong in relationships. They are on the defensive waiting for something to go wrong, and they can\u2019t relax and just be<\/i>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Instead, they\u2019re on high alert for the worst case scenario to come to pass. They are hyper in tune with things that look like bad signs, or indications that he\u2019s losing interest and doesn\u2019t care anymore \u2026 that he\u2019s going to leave at any minute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you stress over your relationship, you aren\u2019t able to be<\/i> in the relationship. Instead of interacting with the person in front of you, you\u2019re caught up in your own mind, interacting with the worried thoughts in your head. And the guy will feel it. He\u2019ll pick up on this negative energy and he will just feel turned off. He won\u2019t know why he\u2019s turned off, he thinks you\u2019re great and he\u2019s attracted to you \u2026 but there\u2019s just something he can\u2019t quite put his finger on \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whenever guys suddenly lose interest, this is usually the reason. I have interviewed so many guys over the years as part of my research and this is a consistent theme whenever I ask them if they\u2019ve ever suddenly lost interest in a great girl \u2026 and what the reason was. Most of them will say yes, and sometimes they have legitimate reasons (realized she was a terrible person, her values were off, not attracted enough, etc), but more often they don\u2019t know what it was. They say it was just a \u201cfeeling.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now here is the big takeaway. This is pretty much the only thing you need to know about men to fully understand them: Men move toward what feels good and away from what feels bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When it feels good to be around you, he wants to be around you. When it feels bad, he doesn\u2019t. And it feels bad to be around a stressed out person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ok, now that we\u2019ve looked at the ways stressing screws you up, let\u2019s talk about how to get the stress under control.<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n1. Stressing solves nothing<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s the trap we fall into with stressing over things. It feels like you\u2019re doing something. It feels like your being productive. It feels like you\u2019re running on the treadmill. Sure you\u2019re not getting anywhere, but you\u2019re doing something beneficial. But stressing is not the treadmill because the treadmill serves a positive purpose, whereas stressing expends energy for no reason and you gain no benefits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You feel like if you spin your wheels hard enough you\u2019ll land on some sort of a solution. But instead, you poison your mood and your vibe and your self-esteem. It feels like the stress and worry will lead you somewhere positive like it will open the doors of clarity and confidence and a happy relationship, but this is one big delusion. Stressing multiplies your problems, it doesn\u2019t solve them, and it leaves you emotionally exhausted and battered in the end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whenever you catch yourself stressing, try to remind yourself that this is a huge waste of time and you\u2019re getting nowhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A lot of women prematurely panic. They assume there\u2019s a problem when there is none and they live this whole one-sided drama, meanwhile, in boy world, he has no idea anything is amiss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For example, you\u2019re dating a guy and everything has been going well and then one day he doesn\u2019t text you back and you literally lose your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember going through this when I started dating my husband. We had gone on our first and were talking about when to go on the second. I told him I was free Monday and Thursday that week, and he said,\u201dGreat, let\u2019s go out on both!\u201d (For context, I dated my husband in high school and we started dating again 11 years later. In that time frame, we weaved in and out of each other\u2019s lives and every time I saw him I secretly hoped things would start up again between us \u2026 but they never did, until they did! So it was already a pretty emotionally fraught situation because something I wanted for so, so long was finally happening.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So we went out on Monday night and I didn\u2019t hear from him at all the next day and I had no idea if we actually had plans on Thursday or not. Maybe he decided he\u2019s not into me. Maybe I talked too much on our date and it was a turn off. Maybe I was too nervous. Maybe he\u2019s not attracted to me. I was drowning in a sea of maybes. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I can\u2019t believe I pushed him away after only two dates. Why do I always mess everything up? Why don\u2019t things every work out for me? <\/i>And on and on the tragic stream of consciousness went.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then came Wednesday and I still didn\u2019t hear from him and it was happening again. The panic, the worry, the feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But then I said no. I said no more of this. I will not stress and obsess like I do with every relationship. I decided that I would not worry about this at all, at least not today. I gave myself until Friday. If I don\u2019t hear from him by Friday, then I will allow myself to be upset. Until then, I will not give into these frantic, frenetic thoughts. I will not let this ruin my day or my mood or my self-esteem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It isn\u2019t always easy, but it\u2019s possible to take control of your mind and your thoughts. When those panicked thoughts started creeping in, I just told them to go away and come back on Friday. This wasn\u2019t the time for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And you know what happened? He texted me later that night \u2026 and everything as just fine and normal! I easily could have spent that entire day driving myself half insane and for no reason! And that\u2019s what we do to ourselves all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anytime something like this would come up in our relationship, I would set a date to panic, and pretty much every time, whatever the problem was would resolve itself before I ever got to the day where I was allowed to freak out about it. Soon enough, I realized that there was nothing to ever freak out about and I learned to just be calm and deal with things and not let stress overtake me because like I said, no good ever comes of it.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n3. If it doesn\u2019t work out, you\u2019ll be OK<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
This is another one of my mantras and another line that I tell friends and readers all the time: if it doesn\u2019t work out, you will be OK. You were OK before him, and you will be fine if things don\u2019t work out. For some reason, this basic revelation feels groundbreaking when spoken out loud.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s hard to realize something so obvious when you\u2019re in the thick of it because it doesn\u2019t feel OK. It feels like you will combust if he leaves. You just can\u2019t handle that being a reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And to that I say, stop attaching so much to what it will mean if things don\u2019t work out. Dating is a discovery process, that\u2019s all. It\u2019s not a means to find happiness or self-esteem or to heal your old wounds. Being in a relationship isn\u2019t a goal to achieve. It is something that naturally happens when you\u2019re dating someone and you both realize it just fits. It feels easy and effortless and being together is just much better than not being together. You mesh, you click, you want the same things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n