{"id":523151,"date":"2015-09-28T16:06:37","date_gmt":"2015-09-28T20:06:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/?p=523151"},"modified":"2015-09-28T21:15:00","modified_gmt":"2015-09-29T01:15:00","slug":"6-productive-things-to-do-when-your-friend-loves-a-really-lame-guy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/chelsea-fagan\/2015\/09\/6-productive-things-to-do-when-your-friend-loves-a-really-lame-guy\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Productive Things To Do When Your Friend Loves A Really Lame Guy"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Twenty20
Twenty20 \/ rgags<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The other day, a girlfriend and I were talking about her old college friend and soon-to-be bridesmaid who is four months into dating, objectively, a very lame guy. \u201cWhen they first started going out,\u201d she told me, \u201cI assumed it would last a few weeks, tops. But they\u2019re still together, which means a) he\u2019s coming to my wedding, in addition to being around all the time, and b) they\u2019re probably in love. Ugh.\u201d Ugh, indeed.<\/p>\n

Who hasn\u2019t been there, though? Who hasn\u2019t had a friend who, despite being a smart, funny, beautiful woman (because I\u2019m being heteronormative here), chooses to date a guy who is just an utter bummer? Women \u2013 because of how consistently devalued they are, in pretty much every regard outside their physical beauty \u2013 often settle for things that are objectively not something they should have to put up with. We\u2019ve all seen the stunning, Lilly-clad woman clinging to the beer-bellied, red-nosed angry bro in the polo shirt. These are real dynamics, even if we don\u2019t want to admit them. (And you only have to turn on the TV once to see the dynamic of \u201csmart, put-together wife rolling her eyes at nearly-non-functional husband.) But what does one do when put in this position?<\/p>\n

As someone who has the luxury of being surrounded by ladies (and guys) who have, for the most part, chosen great dudes, I admit that this isn\u2019t a big question in my life these days. But it\u2019s happened to me before \u2013 and it can happen to anyone, in any combination of genders — and I dealt with it accordingly. I ensured that our friendship would not suffer, but that I would also not have to suffer too much of the guy while he was in her life. For me, there is a perfect six-step strategy to dealing with this, and this is exactly what you have to do.<\/p>\n

Define \u201clame.\u201d<\/h3>\n

We first have to separate \u201cguy that you really don\u2019t like, and wouldn\u2019t date yourself\u201d with \u201cguy who is objectively destructive to her life in some way, eroding her self-esteem, abusive, or holding her back from prospering.\u201d This difference is essential, because while it\u2019s great when we love our friends\u2019 SOs, it\u2019s not the end of the world if we don\u2019t. We can all be polite when we need to, and make the best of group hangouts, and at the end of the day, only the people dating have to really love each other. A friend marrying a guy who is \u201cmeh\u201d in your eyes is part of your life. The rest of these steps only apply to guys who are capital-B Bad.<\/p>\n

Identify the specifics of the lameness.<\/h3>\n

I\u2019ll use an example \u2013 I know a girl whose guy will constantly crap on her while she\u2019s making a point, interrupting her and correcting her and generally looking at her like he\u2019s embarrassed of what\u2019s coming out of her mouth. Basically, he treats her like an idiot, and as a result her own self-esteem has markedly suffered. The more time she spends around him, the worse she gets, and often by the end of an evening with him she\u2019ll stop talking entirely so as not to get embarrassed in front of her friends anymore. This is just one possible manifestation of lameness, and the guy you know might be totally different (my friend\u2019s story included an anecdote about the guy messaging her 20 times in one night to make sure she wasn\u2019t out dancing with other guys), but the point is that you can clearly identify the fucked-up nonsense he\u2019s doing.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t pretend to like him.<\/h3>\n

There is a difference between being civil out of respect for your friend, and pretending to like someone who is clearly bad news. You don\u2019t have to go out of your way to pretend to like this guy, or behave in a way with him that makes you feel a little icky from how false it is. You can be up-front about not wanting to spend tons of time with him, and you don\u2019t have to do things like add him on social media or communicate with him outside of your friends. A lot of people \u2013 myself formally included \u2013 feel like it\u2019s an asshole move to not immediately embrace the people your friends choose, but ultimately, if they are a super negative influence on things and someone you would otherwise not associate with, you can be civil without being fake.<\/p>\n

If asked, explain why you\u2019re not a fan of him.<\/h3>\n

If your friend says something like \u201cDo you not like [insert name here, but let\u2019s call him Brad]?\u201d you owe it to them as a friend and someone who respects them to tell them the truth. You can say, \u201cI don\u2019t like the way he treats you sometimes,\u201d and give specific examples so they will have the benefit of understanding. Maybe it won\u2019t lead them to reconsider the relationship, but they will at least have a clear understanding of why you feel the way you do, and they won\u2019t be paranoid every time you seem a little chillier around him than you do around your other friends. If you genuinely take issue with this person, you owe it to your friend to explain why, instead of just being that passive-aggressive person who talks endless shit behind his back but doesn\u2019t do anything to make the situation better.<\/p>\n

Point out specific instances when they happen.<\/h3>\n

My girlfriend was dating this guy who would call her names when he was angry at her to degrade\/embarrass her in front of her friends, but then would always play it off like he was joking. He wasn\u2019t joking. And it really devastated her, and we all knew this, but when I mentioned it to her once in private she did what most people do when they\u2019re in love with a Brad \u2013 she denied it. She said she didn\u2019t know what I was talking about, that she\u2019d never seen this before, and that I was paranoid (or didn\u2019t like him for personal reasons). So a few weeks later when we were all out at a bar and he \u201cjokingly\u201d called her fat when she went for another buffalo wing \u2013 in front of her friends \u2013 I pointed it out in the bathroom to her. Tears started welling up and she said \u201cI know, I hate when he says stuff like that.\u201d It didn\u2019t end the relationship there, but they broke up a few months later, in part because she was acknowledging the truth of what he was doing to her. I\u2019m happy to say that now, a few years later, she\u2019s with an absolutely great guy who treats her like gold.<\/p>\n

If nothing is stopping, remove yourself from the situation.<\/h3>\n

If you feel that the behavior is getting unacceptable, and none of the above methods have led to a solution, you can say \u201cHey, I can\u2019t be around this person anymore,\u201d and just don\u2019t. You have the right to do that, and you don\u2019t owe anyone your time or respect if they\u2019re not earning it. Your friend might be upset, but if the guy is a true loser who is really damaging her life\/self-esteem, it\u2019s honestly enabling more than anything to continue to pretend to like the guy. You can say, simply, \u201cI love you and want to be in your life, but I don\u2019t want to be around this person.\u201d And that is a fair thing to say, once you\u2019ve already clearly and specifically explained the unacceptable\/abusive behavior. It\u2019s up to you to decide where your lines in the sand are, but it\u2019s also not expected that we can watch our friends get hurt indefinitely and not say anything about it.<\/p>\n

Use your judgment, but don\u2019t give your tacit endorsement to a Brad. He doesn\u2019t deserve it. \"Thought<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Who hasn\u2019t had a friend who, despite being a smart, funny, beautiful woman (because I\u2019m being heteronormative here), chooses to date a guy who is just an utter bummer?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36248491,"featured_media":523192,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"thoughtcatalog_call_to_action":"","tc_post_redirect":"","thoughtcatalog_is_sponsored_content":"0","footnotes":""},"categories":[433425955],"tags":[7313],"anchortext":[],"posttemplate":[],"adcampaign":[],"coauthors":[178686843],"class_list":["post-523151","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dating","featured_content-ftrd"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/twenty20_320fca00-07c7-4ee2-960a-32dfafb2c94e-1.jpg","author_meta":null,"photo_credit":null,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/523151","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/36248491"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=523151"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/523151\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":523195,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/523151\/revisions\/523195"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/523192"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=523151"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=523151"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=523151"},{"taxonomy":"anchortext","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/anchortext?post=523151"},{"taxonomy":"posttemplate","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posttemplate?post=523151"},{"taxonomy":"adcampaign","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/adcampaign?post=523151"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thoughtcatalog.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=523151"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}